Jump to content


Photo

Terra Stregada (ch.1)


  • Please log in to reply
20 replies to this topic

#1 Lorenx1

Lorenx1

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 265 posts

Posted 17 December 2015 - 08:34 AM

TERRA STREGADA


Plot:
"Terra Stregada" is a popular gothic horror MMORPG played by teens to young adults. It is a renaissance-inspired world plagued with Ghosts, Zombies, and other supernatural undead creatures. Most of the dungeons are not typical dungeons but graves, mansions, castles, and more. All players take the role of an exorcist with a type-class of his/her own. The game has its own backstory on how this world was plagued by the undead.

The story begins with a female young adult named Caprice (her avatar name) who quit originally played the game and quit when the game started to become popular. Caprice has a tendency to quit a lot of games and never feels satisfied or entertained. When the 13th update was said to make the game even more entertaining than ever and expanding its world by half, Caprice decided to give it one more chance. After one night of playing the game, she gets bored and decides to quit again, but right before she was about to log out, the the clock tower of the in-game home town strikes midnight and suddenly everyone in the game is unable to log out.

A mysterious cloaked woman claimed to be the Ghost of Haunted World and cursed all the players into being bound by the game. No player recognized any in-game backstory involving such a claim. The Woman said that in order to escape the game, players must work together and find more about the hidden backstory relating to her all over the game. She warns them that something "terrible" will happen if they die in-game.

Players reach a new level of fear that they've never dealt before..Now Caprice is looking for a way out of the game, but as she plays the game, she becomes actually entertained for the first time in her life.


Concept: I was clearly inspired by dot-hack series (particularly .hack//sign) when i approached this story. There was something about unique about "The World" that really drew me in. particularly the maincharacter Tsukasa. But i'm also very interested in the gothic horror that Castlevania provided. So its something new and fresh.

Notes: I guess I had far too many different moral codes. I decided to not post any content here anymore if the forum is trying to take claim of it and stating it is the communities property. So the forum can keep the posts" but the content in them has now changed. You're all free to continue to discuss my story here if you like, but posting my story won't be here anymore.

Edited by Lorenx1, 06 August 2016 - 12:25 AM.

  • Baka-Dynasty likes this
Help Kickstart Manga Mavericks!!!

#2 ZCOverload

ZCOverload

    Lucina Main

  • Blessed by Uglypuff
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 12,383 posts
  • LocationTech City

User's Awards

3       2    4   

Posted 17 December 2015 - 04:12 PM

The whole "trapped in an MMO" trope is really getting old and overused, honestly. That said, I like how you're giving this one a horror twist so I'll follow the project.


DbR5r2F.jpg?1


#3 Lorenx1

Lorenx1

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 265 posts

Posted 18 December 2015 - 02:29 AM

The whole "trapped in an MMO" trope is really getting old and overused, honestly. That said, I like how you're giving this one a horror twist so I'll follow the project.


I was also inspired by Jumanji. So it won't be like regular "trapped in games" trope. But thank you. I don't have much. I was inspired more by. Hack over Sao and log horizon because of the world they created.
Help Kickstart Manga Mavericks!!!

#4 ZCOverload

ZCOverload

    Lucina Main

  • Blessed by Uglypuff
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 12,383 posts
  • LocationTech City

User's Awards

3       2    4   

Posted 18 December 2015 - 02:43 AM

I was about to cite Log Horizon as a way to use the trope without tiring it out, actually. From what I hear, Overlord is a good use of it as well. Glad to hear it, however.


Edited by ZCOverload, 18 December 2015 - 02:43 AM.

DbR5r2F.jpg?1


#5 Lorenx1

Lorenx1

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 265 posts

Posted 18 December 2015 - 07:37 AM

I honestly cannot get into log horizon.

Log Horizons main appeal is showing how they integrate into MMo world. Everything else is boring. Characters are not realistic and their dialogue isn't that clever. Most of the story progression is the same way. Additionally, worst dub ever.

Edited by Lorenx1, 23 January 2016 - 06:11 AM.

Help Kickstart Manga Mavericks!!!

#6 Lorenx1

Lorenx1

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 265 posts

Posted 23 January 2016 - 02:13 PM

Chapter 1 has been released. You can still read it in the link in my signature.

Edited by Lorenx1, 06 August 2016 - 12:16 AM.

Help Kickstart Manga Mavericks!!!

#7 Lorenx1

Lorenx1

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 265 posts

Posted 25 January 2016 - 09:13 PM

Part 1 is complete. More or less. Part 2 will be ready soon.

EDIT: Part 2 is actually somewhat ready. However it's adult oriented and that version will be available only in Manga Mavericks. I will modify the chapters with less adult content and post it here. But for now, the adult content version is available in MM

Edited by Lorenx1, 26 January 2016 - 09:12 AM.

Help Kickstart Manga Mavericks!!!

#8 Lorenx1

Lorenx1

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 265 posts

Posted 27 January 2016 - 08:31 AM

Finally finished chapter 1 (maybe). I originally wanted to end it much later, but it's starting to get a little long. But I might add titles to the chapters so it is easier for me to split up.

I censored some of it. And now that I did, I'm concerned that some of it was key elements to the MC's personality. But I'll just worry about it when it comes up.

Chapter 1 part 2 can be found in Manga Mavericks site.

Edited by Lorenx1, 06 August 2016 - 12:17 AM.

Help Kickstart Manga Mavericks!!!

#9 Zeando

Zeando

    Samurai

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,235 posts

Posted 05 February 2016 - 05:23 PM

as you asked, here

 

intro
Players reach a new level of fear that they've never dealt before..
why? was the announcement alone to strike them with a new level of fear?

 

before starting, are these chapters the scripts to get later adapted into mangas?

 

Chapter 1.1

Spoiler

Edited by Zeando, 09 February 2016 - 09:03 AM.

FQZQm2p.png
Forum Mafia Games

Spoiler The 4 ways of Discussion

#10 Zeando

Zeando

    Samurai

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,235 posts

Posted 05 February 2016 - 06:28 PM

Chapter 1.2

 

 

Spoiler

 

 

the first part of this chapter had nice character building, but i think it didn't help much the main plot, maybe it could have been kept as untold background?

the story is still building up, it's too soon to give any opinion on it

somehow weiss and sarah give me jessie and james vibes :lmao:


Edited by Zeando, 09 February 2016 - 09:03 AM.

FQZQm2p.png
Forum Mafia Games

Spoiler The 4 ways of Discussion

#11 Lorenx1

Lorenx1

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 265 posts

Posted 05 February 2016 - 10:53 PM

Response to review chapter 1 part 1.
Spoiler

 
Responce to Chapter 1, part 2
Spoiler


the first part of this chapter had nice character building, but i think it didn't help much the main plot, maybe it could have been kept as untold background?
the story is still building up, it's too soon to give any opinion on it
somehow weiss and sarah give me jessie and james vibes :lmao:

I really needed a way to introduce such an introverted character and used a couple of supporting characters. I actually wanted to add a third character with Weiss and Sarah-light.

I think i introduced some of the most stoned face characters in the beginning as I didn't want it to feel like everyone is a kid.

But I'll make the necessary adjustments.

Edited by Lorenx1, 05 February 2016 - 10:56 PM.

Help Kickstart Manga Mavericks!!!

#12 Zeando

Zeando

    Samurai

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,235 posts

Posted 06 February 2016 - 06:41 AM

CH 1.1

didn't reread yet
 

that knight really likes to drag his sword xDadding something on how he enjoys that could add character

there will be characters who will do it just by the type of weapon they wield.

ah, so it's a characteristic of the weapon, i was wondering why was he doing that, it looked like he was trying to act cool
 

" "i think this could have been a good time to show how she thinks the game is boring and whatever is into the chest is going to be boring as well

i mean, show with words, since she's a bit quiet, but as seen in the following lines she isn't mute" "
"I wanted to show off how she normally acts in an MMO."
ok, so for example, what was she thinking while she was leaving?
but depends how you want to deal with introverted characters, if to show them from the outside in, or from the inside out, usually introverted characters are the ones who makes the most use of internal monologues
 
"I actually wanted to make Sarah-light a stoned face person while Weiss a little more expressive and mature."
maybe it's just me, but they looked indifferent to me while they tried to invite her, like they didn't really care
which in chapter 1.2 conflicts with them saying she looked interesting
 
"Plus I didn't want too much focus on how they look if they weren't going to be seen again in story."
that's ok, but it's the same reasoning with the gothic castle, if you go out of your way to specify they are "unique" and not just some random weapons, that means there is something which makes them recognizeable from other random weapon, what could that something be? did they glow? did they have detailed shapes? you don't really need to specify which shape they have but describe why they did look "unique"? or is "unique" just the name of a rarity class of items? how are different rarity classes recognized? (usually they have a different color for the name, or something like that)
 
"awkward to read or awkward situation they're in?"
both, in the situation it should have been awkward for the tamer and allister,
while reading it, it felt awkward or a bit forced cause the bystanders, they were there for no clear reason, they didn't say anything or tried to buy anything or comment on the items like the two other characters did, so they were just standing there and listening to them, which by itself is a bit awkward, then they suddently reacted as if they were involved into the discussion, which they didn't, i mean they weren't even talking, what is the sound of someone who goes quiet after they weren't talking?
 
just reread a part of it
"plastered with orange, yellow, green, and purple tint."
"The shingles of the roofs range from purple, blue, and black."
using multiple colors can become confusing to imagine, if the colors are all part of the same object you can try to use an other basic object's colors as reference, like for the "orange, yellow, green" they look like the colors of a pumpkin, and the "purple, blue, black" could be simplified as "dark and cold colors" or something like that, which is more direct to imagine

 

 

CH 1.2

 

"Actually it was because I wanted to suggest she had a headache."

mmm, in that case shouldn't she cover her forehead? or the sides of the head?

 

"his customers requesting steaks more rare than what the health regulations allow"

like, meat from exotic animals? that kind of rare?

 

"Although they reached for a kiss in the very beginning."

yeas, but i'm not going to excuse anything happening later which feels out of place only because of that

besides, it wasn't that clear it was supposed to be a romantic kiss, it could have been just a good morning kiss between friends/relatives/parents

oh, now you changed it

 

"do you feel this will be expanded again as the story progresses or do you feel it needs to be addressed at this time?"

it was only the wording which was bothering me, the content itself didn't have a problem


Edited by Zeando, 09 February 2016 - 09:04 AM.

FQZQm2p.png
Forum Mafia Games

Spoiler The 4 ways of Discussion

#13 Lorenx1

Lorenx1

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 265 posts

Posted 06 February 2016 - 03:51 PM

i mean, show with words, since she's a bit quiet, but as seen in the following lines she isn't mute

ok, so for example, what was she thinking while she was leaving?

but depends how you want to deal with introverted characters, if to show them from the outside in, or from the inside out, usually introverted characters are the ones who makes the most use of internal monologues


I will add some more internal dialogue.

maybe it's just me, but they looked indifferent to me while they tried to invite her, like they didn't really care
which in chapter 1.2 conflicts with them saying she looked interesting

I'm adjusting it a little more.

that's ok, but it's the same reasoning with the gothic castle, if you go out of your way to specify they are "unique" and not just some random weapons, that means there is something which makes them recognizeable from other random weapon, what could that something be? did they glow? did they have detailed shapes? you don't really need to specify which shape they have but describe why they did look "unique"? or is "unique" just the name of a rarity class of items? how are different rarity classes recognized? (usually they have a different color for the name, or something like that)

I'm addressing that.

both, in the situation it should have been awkward for the tamer and allister,
while reading it, it felt awkward or a bit forced cause the bystanders, they were there for no clear reason, they didn't say anything or tried to buy anything or comment on the items like the two other characters did, so they were just standing there and listening to them, which by itself is a bit awkward, then they suddently reacted as if they were involved into the discussion, which they didn't, i mean they weren't even talking, what is the sound of someone who goes quiet after they weren't talking?

they we're actually among a group of people who we're interested in Caprices weapons, in which they decided to leave because

just reread a part of it"plastered with orange, yellow, green, and purple tint.""The shingles of the roofs range from purple, blue, and black."
using multiple colors can become confusing to imagine, if the colors are all part of the same object you can try to use an other basic object's colors as reference, like for the "orange, yellow, green" they look like the colors of a pumpkin, and the "purple, blue, black" could be simplified as "dark and cold colors" or something like that, which is more direct to imagine

OK I'll adjust that.

mmm, in that case shouldn't she cover her forehead? or the sides of the head?

it's getting fixed.

like, meat from exotic animals? that kind of rare?

well what he's referring Toni's how long it's cooked. There are 5 different stages with rare being the least cooked and we done being very cooked.

Ill adjust that too so it's clear.

yeas, but i'm not going to excuse anything happening later which feels out of place only because of that
besides, it wasn't that clear it was supposed to be a romantic kiss, it could have been just a good morning kiss between friends/relatives/parents
oh, now you changed it.

well I'm changing it as we speak. I was not done making adjustments just yet.

it was only the wording which was bothering me, the content itself didn't have a problem

ok I'll be doing some fixing.

Edited by Lorenx1, 06 February 2016 - 04:01 PM.

Help Kickstart Manga Mavericks!!!

#14 Lorenx1

Lorenx1

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 265 posts

Posted 09 February 2016 - 07:48 AM

Part 1 of chapter 1 has been revised. I'm looking into part 2. And maybe more feedback if I should even continue the next part as part 3 or just chapter 2.
Help Kickstart Manga Mavericks!!!

#15 Zeando

Zeando

    Samurai

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,235 posts

Posted 09 February 2016 - 09:13 AM

personally, i think part 1 and 2 are not conclusive enouth to be a chapter by themselfes, there needs to be some turn of events or the introduction of the story could be reached, this chapter 1 was still the introduction right?

first chapters are usually longer, so it should be fine, and if it becomes too long you can always split it into different minor chapters later


FQZQm2p.png
Forum Mafia Games

Spoiler The 4 ways of Discussion

#16 Lorenx1

Lorenx1

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 265 posts

Posted 09 February 2016 - 07:27 PM

Very well. So far part 1 is ready for review. I'm still working on part 2.
Help Kickstart Manga Mavericks!!!

#17 Lorenx1

Lorenx1

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 265 posts

Posted 09 February 2016 - 09:24 PM

I split it up into different parts for length reasons, butits still technically one chapter.

I guess a part 3 is definitely going to be necessary.
Help Kickstart Manga Mavericks!!!

#18 Lorenx1

Lorenx1

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 265 posts

Posted 17 February 2016 - 03:13 AM

PART 2 has been modified. I'm going to work on part 3 now.
Help Kickstart Manga Mavericks!!!

#19 Lorenx1

Lorenx1

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 265 posts

Posted 02 August 2016 - 08:25 PM

The chapter has been completed in part 3 and 4. You can find it in the site in my signature.

Edited by Lorenx1, 06 August 2016 - 12:18 AM.

Help Kickstart Manga Mavericks!!!

#20 Baka-Dynasty

Baka-Dynasty

    Rock Star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 547 posts
  • LocationTo infinity and beyond

Posted 02 August 2016 - 09:15 PM

Ive only read the first part so far :3 and this is what i think

 

-First of all dont mind what i say im not a good critic at all. You could show me someone slipping on a banana and i would find that to be hilarious and give it a 10/10

 

-Character wise. I dint really like Caprice. Her name perfectly suits her tho. Dont know if you did it purposely but Caprice is a french word :3 google it teheheh. I dint like her not because shes a bad character or anything , she just doesnt appeal to me,I dont like character with no spirit that dont really stand out or anything. And act like they are the best and shit.

I really like Morrigan , i love the name and the character. Going all out and using everything he had saved to try once more to have a shot at glory thats how i see it !!! I love those kind of character.

 

-Story wise

The concept is one i really like. Ive always been a fan of MMO anime thingy. I just simply hope that there wont be some dumb ass second degree romance. I really wanna see some proper romance not the whole Kirito/asuna bullshit.I also really like how you split everything into : Action/Dialogue etc... Makes it so easy for someone like me to follow everything :D. Something id like to see is the characters level or some information about how the game actually work. The kind of class you can pick etc....guess ill have to read more for that


!Banana head fart man !

Selena_gomez_sig_by_litlemusa.jpg

 

*Knowledge can never replace friendship, i prefer to be an idiot*

 

Come check out my video room thread :3

http://onemangaforum...z-video-room-3/

 

Spoiler




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users