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[Voting] Poetry Contest #31


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Poll: Contest #31 (9 member(s) have cast votes)

Which is the best?

  1. Sloan - War (1 votes [11.11%] - View)

    Percentage of vote: 11.11%

  2. retroluffy13 - [Untitled] (0 votes [0.00%])

    Percentage of vote: 0.00%

  3. XTR3ME - A New (0 votes [0.00%])

    Percentage of vote: 0.00%

  4. ZCOverload - [Untitled] (0 votes [0.00%])

    Percentage of vote: 0.00%

  5. Red Opus - Sonnet 18 - I Hope I can (0 votes [0.00%])

    Percentage of vote: 0.00%

  6. evilcheeser - heart-sings (1 votes [11.11%] - View)

    Percentage of vote: 11.11%

  7. RhyssaFireheart - [Untitled] (1 votes [11.11%] - View)

    Percentage of vote: 11.11%

  8. YoWid - To the Stars (0 votes [0.00%])

    Percentage of vote: 0.00%

  9. gintokichimaru - Hope Dies Last (3 votes [33.33%] - View)

    Percentage of vote: 33.33%

  10. Nmaan - Earth Endures (2 votes [22.22%] - View)

    Percentage of vote: 22.22%

  11. Yamagician - Blue Rose (0 votes [0.00%])

    Percentage of vote: 0.00%

  12. Oben - Nirvana (1 votes [11.11%] - View)

    Percentage of vote: 11.11%

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#1 Oben

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Posted 02 February 2016 - 05:13 PM

Welcome to the voting for Poetry Contest #31!

The theme was "Hope", as picked by Gintaman, the winner of round #30.

The poll should-be self-explanatory. Please vote objectively, and fair.
You are not allowed to vote for yourself.

Please also post your opinions/criticism in the thread.
Previous rounds and winners can be found pinned in the Contest Forum and the Discussion Thread.

Here are the numerrous entries for this round:
 
 



Spoiler War~

 
 

Spoiler

 
 

Spoiler A New

 
 

Spoiler

 
 

Spoiler Sonnet 18 - I Hope I can

 
 

Spoiler heart-sings

 
 

Spoiler

 
 

Spoiler To the Stars

 
 

Spoiler Hope Dies Last

 
 

Spoiler Earth Endures

 
 

Spoiler Blue Rose

 
 

Spoiler Nirvana

 
 
Voting ends 10 days from now, on the 12th of February.

Edited by Oben, 02 February 2016 - 05:25 PM.

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#2 Red Opus

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Posted 02 February 2016 - 05:23 PM

Voting ends 10 days from now, on the 12th of January.

Oh oben


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#3 Oben

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Posted 02 February 2016 - 05:25 PM

Oh oben


It's late and I'm tired.
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#4 evilcheeser

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Posted 04 February 2016 - 09:10 PM

It's late and I'm tired.

last week I almost accidentally wrote it was 2015. When I immediately realized and caught myself, I was a little flustered.
about 5 seconds later I needed to write the date again, and I put it was 2012. In the words of a close friend "There's nothing that can be done for you at this point. I'm afraid you're lost to us."

I guess I'm tryin to say, could be worse :shrug:

I might regret asking this but what exactly is a My Little Pony doujin? :hmm:


#5 evilcheeser

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Posted 11 February 2016 - 01:44 PM

ok here's gonn be my feedback, in terms of whatever it is that comes to mind when I'm readin these. hope that at some point, something I say helps someone to write a bit better, to think a bit harder, or just to laugh. cool. cool.

Sloan - a lot of really powerful, intense imagery here. I felt like the "chorus" stanzas really slowed it down too much.. to me, it took me out of that intensity and back into just reading a poem. maybe if it used fewer of them, or perhaps alternated between two types, this effect would be lessened. not sure.
highly recommend if you've not read it, The Colonel by Carolyn Forché. Does the brutal imagery really well.

retroluffy13 - the very matter-of-fact tone clashes harshly with the subject matter. not sure if it's entirely intended, but I think it creates some interest in terms of second and third reads. The form made it fairly hard (for me) to read the first time, though. perhaps the solution could be in embracing its prosaic qualities fully, using fewer, blockier lines. The first line is not working for me at all; I'm not finding its significance and I'm just confused why its tone is so different.

XTR3ME - very cute, little piece. loving the concept. the "of" not being capitalized does make me feel like "The" and "By" shouldn't be either, to make them more like titles. The one thing I genuinely dislike is the false rhyme of the third line. It feels like a total lack of rhyme would work better there.. the words are great but I think the tension of the false rhyme is too much.

ZCOverload - the flow is a little wonky in a few places (4th line, 5th line). creates a kind of .. "jaggedness" to the poem, which does some interesting things with the subject matter. I do think that if you want the third stanza to be the uplifting message of hope, the 10th and 12th lines should really be rhymed. (pause, paws, laws? something perhaps metaphorical to end 10..)

Red Opus - I find the title really interesting on this one. It's pretty strikingly not a sonnet, but of course the omage to Shakespeare makes that title concept make a lot more sense. Loved the flow from line 4 to 5, very nice effect.

I think I'm uh. Not gonna critique myself right now. I get plenty of that on the daily.

RhyssaFireheart - Love the idea, and the cyclic nature of l12. Really digging the imagery as well. Can't help but feel like this could be improved by an extended metaphor replacing all the talk about days, buuuut nothing awesome comes to mind, so for now it must remain just a thought. One thing I don't like is l8, "be idle" just sounds like... yucky. The words have totally the wrong shape for that part, I want like, idk, "sit still" or something. "wait now". wayward, passing, light, life, and then idle does not round out the group in my ears.

YoWid - super short piece, I love the plural "stardusts". it almost makes me wonder what that is. The first line means nothing to me at all. It might just be my own perspective, rather than anything else, but I find no significance in it. I like the piece, but I like it just the same with the first line removed.

gintokichimaru - very beautiful imagery. feels like I can almost become the narrator. The first stanza is a bit at odds with the rest of the piece. It's quite philosophical and deep for a poem that is mainly about the mundane life of average people. Didn't bother me at all on first read, because it feels like, 'this is what the narrator is thinking about'. On second read, though, it does stand out as a bit odd. For someone who's idea of putting sadness aside is reading HxH, the idea of sadness being present being death is quite at odds. Makes me wonder about depression in terms of, is part of the point here that depression takes everything and blows it out of proportion?

Nmaan - I like the concept.. in this case, I'm left feeling like I want to know more, either in terms of the poem being longer, or in terms of building a narrative throughout many poems. (Are Wind/Water/Fire other people? perhaps we are discussing a group of friends who have parted ways. Or, we could be discussing the earth itself, left alone now after years of transformation..) I also feel like water totally erodes earth, which did slightly bother me in the fourth-fifth stanzas.

Yamagician - I love the twists at the end of each stanza. Really really powerful execution. I do feel that the last line should be capitalized to really nail home that concept of repetition and cycles. The fourth stanza, I am not a fan of at all. It made me feel like there is a reference here which I am not privy to at all, and I really don't like what it does to the flow with so many short, choppy lines. (And the "hun" seems rather forced. Who has time for pleasantries after the line "Quick! jump in"?)

Oben - a pretty cool, spiritual higher power-type vibe to this poem. That's pretty hard to pull off well. Not really feeling l7. The feelings and pain reap what they sow? The only meaning I manage to draw from that is explained better by "And leave no loss or gain", which makes me feel like l7 could be used to say something more about another facet of the same idea. Maybe something about young/grow. That's all I came up with, anyway.
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I might regret asking this but what exactly is a My Little Pony doujin? :hmm:


#6 Sloan

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Posted 11 February 2016 - 05:08 PM

@evilcheeser

Fun fact: No line in that poem is made up just for the purposes of a poem. All real stuff in da past of malyfe, thats why imagery is seux brutal/intense.

Nice commentary. Going to read all the poems again in a few and cast my vote.

As for books, The last two I bought was when I was 17 and I have yet to read either of those(3 years ago). Manz have no patience to read now a days but I'll look out if i start to read again as a hobby

Edited by Sloan, 11 February 2016 - 05:10 PM.

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2pyaix0.jpg


#7 Red Opus

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Posted 11 February 2016 - 05:50 PM

sonnets are blood hard Q.Q but i shall learn to make them


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#8 YoWid

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Posted 11 February 2016 - 07:48 PM


YoWid - super short piece, I love the plural "stardusts". it almost makes me wonder what that is. The first line means nothing to me at all. It might just be my own perspective, rather than anything else, but I find no significance in it. I like the piece, but I like it just the same with the first line removed.

 

I read some physicist (Feynman or someone else) said that we humans are all made of dusts from stars that were created billions of years ago (i.e., the composing atoms are the same ones), and, I intended the title itself be a wordplay: it's a poem encouraging one to reach for the stars, but also a tribute to the 'stars' (i.e, mayflies and humans as creatures with the same stardusts/atoms in them).

 

And, yes, the meat of the poem lies in its second line, and I must admit it's really hard to make a naturally-sounded haiku within the constraint of 5-7-5 syllables. I tried my best to keep the flow smooth, and I pride myself on my work, but you nailed it with your last sentence. Thanks, I'll improve it next time!


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Spoiler Music by Gazillions

 

 

another story for another day

 


#9 Oben

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Posted 12 February 2016 - 12:35 PM

/poetry > hiatus
 
Voting is over.
 
The winner is gintokichimaru.
 
Next round will be up once he picks the next theme.

#10 gintokichimaru

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Posted 12 February 2016 - 01:34 PM

gintokichimaru - very beautiful imagery. feels like I can almost become the narrator. The first stanza is a bit at odds with the rest of the piece. It's quite philosophical and deep for a poem that is mainly about the mundane life of average people. Didn't bother me at all on first read, because it feels like, 'this is what the narrator is thinking about'. On second read, though, it does stand out as a bit odd. For someone who's idea of putting sadness aside is reading HxH, the idea of sadness being present being death is quite at odds. Makes me wonder about depression in terms of, is part of the point here that depression takes everything and blows it out of proportion?


thanks for taking the time out to give feedback on everyone's poems.

There was definitely a shift in my thought process from the first stanza to the rest of the poem. I knew what I wanted the title of the poem to be before I started writing anything and the first few lines were me thinking out loud.
After struggling to find the appropriate language (bereft was the best word to rhyme so I kept if even if I hate how it aounds) I gave up on the philosophical aspect and went on to what I really wanted to write about.
The last couple of lines were always in the back of my mind. I'm not big on depressive poems and once I realized that's the path I was going down I wanted to somehow bring some humor into the piece.
I actually wanted to scrap the whole first stanza after I finished writing and read it over a couple times but even though it felt out of place I liked it as a sort of header.




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