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#21 Grimmjagger

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Posted 03 October 2016 - 08:34 AM

@diezdragon Kitsurin was actually to replace Rin's name, but I guess not huh? 


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#22 diezdragon

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Posted 03 October 2016 - 09:09 AM

@diezdragon Kitsurin was actually to replace Rin's name, but I guess not huh? 

 

If you want to make up a name from scratch you really have to give me the kanji so I have something to work with :P right now I can only guess that you're meaning 吉林 (fortune + forest) or something, which could work

 

Story-wise, your plot is actually kinda reminding me of a story idea that I had but that I've kinda scrapped since then. I'll wait until the script so I can get an overview though, and I really don't wanna impose anything on your story, but if you're in need for characters for example I might have something. Just saying because it can be hard to get ideas for characters sometimes ^^


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#23 Grimmjagger

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Posted 03 October 2016 - 12:35 PM

@diezdragon Yeah I guessed as much, but I am not really familiar with the Kanji, so I usually search the meanings.

I would be please if you could help on characters too, I'll try having a script done before themonth ends


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#24 Grimmjagger

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Posted 13 October 2016 - 04:12 PM

@Baka-Dynasty @diezdragon @retroluffy13

First chapter's out guys, my writing style suck but I tried, I edited the first post to add chapter 1, Enjoy and give feedback!


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#25 Baka-Dynasty

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Posted 14 October 2016 - 02:01 PM

Aye I'll check it tomorow morning!!!
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#26 Baka-Dynasty

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Posted 15 October 2016 - 11:52 AM

Might wanna go ovef the chapter again and fix as much grammar and shit as you can, ITs kinda disturbing the flow of ma reading . Tho ill be honest we also had the same issues . Its really hard to see your own error thus i suggest finding someone that can help you edit and review your chapter before posting.


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#27 diezdragon

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Posted 16 October 2016 - 10:38 AM

So I finally have enough time to write this.. I read through it a few days ago and then now once again.

 

When it comes to grammar and stuff, I don't really care much tbh, since this is an outline anyway from what I gather (you're looking for someone to draw it right?). So long as it's understandable, neither typos, grammar nor formatting bothers me much. 

 

Now story-wise, I think the first chapter was almost perfectly formatted in the sense that I could really easily imagine it being the first chapter of a "real" action manga, with my tiredness leaving me with a lack for a better word xP It had the opening hinting at the main theme of the story, as well as explaining the name; light-hearted introduction of some (I presume-) core characters, an action scene to properly set the pace/mood and finally the cliffhanger leaving a sense of mystery in the air. If there was anything I found missing, it would be the main character, Yoshino's back-story in a sense. Although we've seen his family and his interactions with them, we know very little about his motivations and ambitions, or even whether he's a good guy or not honestly. Also, if you are going to include the main character having some sort of memories that he can't quite comprehend like you said earlier, then I think it would be for the best to introduce that in the first chapter, or at least hint at it; especially if this is going to be a main driving point of the story and the main character's quest to find out more about himself.

 

Now for character archetypes, I found that Yoshino and Makoto have almost reverse roles compared to many other manga, in that it is the main character that starts out with more plot knowledge/strength than the newly introduced character fighting the "evil group". In many manga for example, the main protagonist will be powerless, or at least weak and will be the one who is saved in the opening scenario, which will spark the main plot; usually connecting the protagonist's dream to the newly met character and some quest for more power. 

Now what you are doing is not necessarily wrong, nor do am I saying you should change it, but I do think you should keep in mind that as a reader, I have very little to relate to regarding Yoshino right now. It seems he starts off with a lot of strength and knowledge which is hidden to us, and that can be challenging to write around while also making the main protagonist the most relatable one (the standard is usually to have the characters that are more powerful from the start be more mysterious, secondary characters). But like I said, it's mostly something you should keep in mind for the sake of the reader. And obviously, these are just the impressions from my side, I don't know what plot you have planned after this either ^^ Btw, with the way you set up the father in the beginning as being "stupid" yet likeable, I actually thought he was gonna appear at the end and fight the bad guy only to die xD

 

Aside from that, I don't have much I think.. Like I've said earlier, it's a start with a lot of potential and I'm really interested to see what you can come up with. When it comes to the plot or even character interactions I can't say much overall since I haven't seen much, but it's all on a good path that you've set up I think ^^

 

Took a bit longer to write than I expected woah..


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#28 Grimmjagger

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Posted 16 October 2016 - 11:59 AM

@Baka-Dynasty, Yeah I know my writing isnt good and truthfully if someone end up volontaring for the writing I'd gladly welcome it, for now I'll try fixing it myself.

@diezdragon, I intended to be explaining some "stuff"" as the story went on, like maybe chapter2 and 3, but I did hinted something happening as Yoshino developped an huge amount of power and strenght, as to he wasnt really aware of what was happening but had a hint which I intend to explain in the next issue. since this arc is the Makoto's story I thought readers would learn more during it, but I see what you mean.

As for Shin tho I have quite a surprise story for him, and I quite needed a funny character close to Yoshino, I admit that would have been priceless if he suddently appeared and got killed.

 

I also want to thank you guys, since I dont think I would have begin the story without your help.


Edited by Grimmjagger, 16 October 2016 - 12:01 PM.

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#29 retroluffy13

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Posted 21 October 2016 - 06:35 AM

ok just a few notes:  its got real potential.  but there some points I would have liked to have been fleshed out better.  like.  why did his little sister change his alarm?  why is the dad so interested in his son that he neglects his irl stuffs?  the guy who attacks them attacks them too quickly.  the scene needs to be longer and the two need to get to know eachother a little better before you just chuck a villain at them.  like what would have been cool is if they got most of the way to school before they were attacked.  that gives them some time  to walk and talk and get to know one another better.

 

but that's all I got.  the premise is fun, but needs more fleshing out.  but its good for the sake of the intro that you kept it simple.


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 this is a music video I made for a friend of mine.  give it a listen.  the visuals are pretty dope

Spoiler


also some ear kandy
Spoiler

when you love something..  and I mean. really love it.  you fight for it for as long as you can until you cant stand any longer.  then when its all said and done, walk away with a smile hoping you did right.

#30 Grimmjagger

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Posted 21 October 2016 - 11:10 AM

@retroluffy13, I admit I made it happen too fast, in the process I didnt add very much details since this was "only" chapter one but I will add more details in chapter 2 and explain some suff that happended in the first chapter.

and thanks for the review it'll help a lot.


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#31 diezdragon

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Posted 24 October 2016 - 06:20 AM

ok just a few notes:  its got real potential.  but there some points I would have liked to have been fleshed out better.  like.  why did his little sister change his alarm?  why is the dad so interested in his son that he neglects his irl stuffs?  the guy who attacks them attacks them too quickly.  the scene needs to be longer and the two need to get to know eachother a little better before you just chuck a villain at them.  like what would have been cool is if they got most of the way to school before they were attacked.  that gives them some time  to walk and talk and get to know one another better.

 

but that's all I got.  the premise is fun, but needs more fleshing out.  but its good for the sake of the intro that you kept it simple.

 

I don't know about the bolded part actually. There is plenty of basis for having an action-packed start, such as clearly showing the readers what sort of story it is and so on. Also, meeting a cataclyst character through a fight like this is also far from uncommon, as it provides a good excuse for them to interact with each other in the first place. I will agree though that even for a first chapter, the story feels kinda rushed. There's a lot of things that could be changed or added to expand upon the world or set up the later fight, such as Yoshino seeing a mysterious girl at school (Makoto) at school before or something. 

Neither of this is stuff that I necessarily see as stuff that absolutely must be changed however.

 

And clearly his family's acting is foreshadowing for a future plot-twist  :rolleyes: something actually happened in the house before Yoshino woke up and his sister had to make up an excuse, while his father is clearly hiding that he has no real job and is instead a monster hunter xD


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#32 retroluffy13

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Posted 24 October 2016 - 08:07 AM

I don't know about the bolded part actually. There is plenty of basis for having an action-packed start, such as clearly showing the readers what sort of story it is and so on. Also, meeting a cataclyst character through a fight like this is also far from uncommon, as it provides a good excuse for them to interact with each other in the first place. I will agree though that even for a first chapter, the story feels kinda rushed. There's a lot of things that could be changed or added to expand upon the world or set up the later fight, such as Yoshino seeing a mysterious girl at school (Makoto) at school before or something. 

Neither of this is stuff that I necessarily see as stuff that absolutely must be changed however.

 

And clearly his family's acting is foreshadowing for a future plot-twist  :rolleyes: something actually happened in the house before Yoshino woke up and his sister had to make up an excuse, while his father is clearly hiding that he has no real job and is instead a monster hunter xD

YOU WANT FIGHT PUNK ILL FIGHT YOU!!!

 

The father thing I got the first time around, its fairly understandable especially if you know bleach.  I just thought the execution was...lacking.  like, if he does it for a living you'd think he'd be better at  aking up excuses to cover his ass.  also he comes off as just a little too interested in his son.


 this is a music video I made for a friend of mine.  give it a listen.  the visuals are pretty dope

Spoiler


also some ear kandy
Spoiler

when you love something..  and I mean. really love it.  you fight for it for as long as you can until you cant stand any longer.  then when its all said and done, walk away with a smile hoping you did right.

#33 Grimmjagger

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Posted 24 October 2016 - 01:27 PM

@diezdragon, Well I admit that Chapter one look kinda rush, but as chapter two is going I get the feeling it'll be much better and I am quite proud of what I have so far for chapter 2.

 

@retroluffy13,Like I've said previously, it was a bit rushed and chapter two (the one am currently at) will feature a little explaination on the family's behavior toward Yoshino.


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#34 Grimmjagger

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Posted 01 November 2016 - 05:24 AM

1540.gif

Chapter Two: Unexpected guest 

Support the serie D-ARC SLAYERS just by sharing your opinion!

 

 


Edited by Grimmjagger, 01 November 2016 - 05:43 AM.

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#35 Baka-Dynasty

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Posted 01 November 2016 - 09:35 PM

Aye I will check it out later this week I'm super busy atm .
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#36 Grimmjagger

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Posted 02 November 2016 - 03:58 PM

Any news concerning the manga will be added in the main posts


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#37 Koneko_Neko

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Posted 05 November 2016 - 10:11 AM

I love the way the story is going, the characters are well-shaped wut I have doubt on is the way the character developpement goes and the rush that goes from scene to scene.

 

But as far as it goes I find the story quite interesting! :P


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#38 Grimmjagger

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Posted 09 November 2016 - 02:21 PM

Chapter 3 added to the Billboard.

Tune in next week to find out what will happen to our hero.


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#39 Baka-Dynasty

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Posted 13 November 2016 - 06:09 PM

"Oh, Yeah! Now that I remember.... Last night I changed your alarm clock while you were asleep, it's actually 9h30am." Akira said while walking out of the room.
 
Add something to describe how she gets out of the room so we can picure it better 
 
 
 
While walking Yoshino loves listening to music and read some mangas, while walking down the road to school, a small girl run into him!
 
this is sooo over used but i still love it :D
 
 
 Kenshin said coldly.
 
Pretty old naming there :o (actually a lot of hte names feel oldish)
 
 
 
"DON'T CHANGE YOUR MOOD BASE ON WHAT YOU'VE READ ON A MANGA!
 
 
This is an amazing personality trait. I love it
 
 
 
The first two chapters are quite good but i had to start again from the beggining to follow the story properly so many things happening at the same time. Not that i hate it. Will read the rest next day off i have

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#40 Grimmjagger

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Posted 15 November 2016 - 12:41 PM

 

"Oh, Yeah! Now that I remember.... Last night I changed your alarm clock while you were asleep, it's actually 9h30am." Akira said while walking out of the room.
 
Add something to describe how she gets out of the room so we can picure it better 

 

 

 
While walking Yoshino loves listening to music and read some mangas, while walking down the road to school, a small girl run into him!
 
this is sooo over used but i still love it :D
 
 
 Kenshin said coldly.
 
Pretty old naming there :o (actually a lot of hte names feel oldish)
 
 
 
"DON'T CHANGE YOUR MOOD BASE ON WHAT YOU'VE READ ON A MANGA!
 
 
This is an amazing personality trait. I love it
 
 
 
The first two chapters are quite good but i had to start again from the beggining to follow the story properly so many things happening at the same time. Not that i hate it. Will read the rest next day off i have

 

  • I imagine it should be a bit more describing how about I put it like that. "Oh, Yeah! Now that I remember....Last night I changed your alarm clock while you were asleep, it's actually 9h30." Akira said with the level of her voice much high since she had just gone out of the room. :huh: 
  • I went for a classic one there instead of trying to make it out of the ordinary, besides its a way for me to describe Yoshino's personality.
  • Oh yeah, but I might change the name anyway, this was just for the moment, Kenshin that is. (might go for Ryuunosuke?) :-_-:
  • Thanks, glad you love that one! :D
 
Yeah I know it's kinda hard to follow at some point which is why I made chapter 3 more "calm",
sure I'll be looking foward to your review!

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