Jump to content


Photo

[Discussion] Poetry Contest (II)


  • Please log in to reply
253 replies to this topic

#241 Red Opus

Red Opus

    Ghost

  • Blessed by Uglypuff
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,266 posts

User's Awards

5    3   

Posted 07 February 2018 - 08:27 AM

@Grimmjagger mmm maybe extend it a bit? Or idk there are only 2 entries...and mine was still late  :unsure: :whistle:



#242 Grimmjagger

Grimmjagger

    Warrior

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,386 posts
  • LocationCaNdY fAcToRy

Posted 07 February 2018 - 10:19 AM

@Grimmjagger mmm maybe extend it a bit? Or idk there are only 2 entries...and mine was still late  :unsure: :whistle:


I guess. Then again, I expected @Oben to be a part of this. At least we would have been three.
  • Red Opus likes this
e7734c025aa8c51fa9a905c5a1dc0ed2.png

BIG THINGS ARE COMING TO OMF!

#243 GintaMan

GintaMan

    Rock Star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,192 posts
  • LocationSniper Island

Posted 23 February 2018 - 04:06 PM

I know it's late but since there are only two entries, wrote a short and simple one. Sorry, everyone! Will be a regular participant again.


"To have a dream is to struggle with reality."

 

Have a taste of my pIMP Slap!

 

tiM4Zrr.gif

 

"The Old Man of the North"

 

http://38.media.tumb...EcNV1r1vglf.gif

 

Chairman Emeritus, OMF Butt Stuff Appreciation Association

Almighty Bishop of the Church of Escanor, Gawd of the Sun


#244 Grimmjagger

Grimmjagger

    Warrior

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,386 posts
  • LocationCaNdY fAcToRy

Posted 23 February 2018 - 04:29 PM

I know it's late but since there are only two entries, wrote a short and simple one. Sorry, everyone! Will be a regular participant again.


I just changed the date to the 1st of March and then we'll do the voting thing and get this under way
  • GintaMan likes this
e7734c025aa8c51fa9a905c5a1dc0ed2.png

BIG THINGS ARE COMING TO OMF!

#245 YoWid

YoWid

    N00b

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,716 posts
  • LocationUnknown Regions

User's Awards

     

Posted 01 March 2018 - 07:41 AM

Those three likes on your respective poems? That’s A+ for trying, but straight F for executing them like total hacks. (That one like for my poem, however, is self-explanatory.)

 

@Grimmjagger

 

“The Pit”, eh? Hopefully it’s snake’s at best, and arm’s, at worst.

It’s totally A-ok to write grimmdark, emo stuff, as long as you do it with finesse--like you did in your own writing thread. But this?

 

“I wake up everynight...”

 “For the sake of your readers, please proofread your poem and make sure it does not contain any unwanted mistakes.” Whoops.

 

“..this void of that you left is this pain.”

So, does “this pain” equal “this void”? What is “that”? “That...” what? Is it edible?

 

“I suffer alone in my own loneliness.”

Wow, who would’ve thought you’d suffer alone in your own loneliness? It’s a bit too much of a redundant excess, no?

 

“Tomorrow, I will be tore from my core.”

For the sake of your readers, please proofread your poem and make sure it does not contain any unwanted mistakes.” Double whoops. (hint: it’s “torn”)

 

“Leave me in this terror.”

It’s pronounced “tehr-roar” now? Oh, no? Then congratulations on breaking the flow of your edgy poem.

 

Hope you won’t get a paper cut from it— those wounds? I wish they will heal, man. That OMF Award hosting thing? Cooler story, bro.

 

@Red Opus

 

“Liquid Bronze” is it? Not even close to Liquid Copper, tbh.

 

I mean, bruh, @Sloan would roll in his digital coffin upon reading the tryhard grave mistake that is your poem.

 

Let’s get it on.

 

“At first it was dark-en hair”

What’s a “dark-en hair”, pray tell? Does it have anything to do with Drakengard? L’arc~en~ciel? Pubes? Was it petrified, too?

 

“Sometime, even eye cry”

For the sake of your readers, please proofread your poem and make sure it does not contain any unwanted mistakes.”

 

“Fuck a ship, here's the blueprint”

Yikes, sounds a tad uncomfortable. Also, why “blueprint”? Bottled ships have blueprints now?

 

“when liquid courage is hard to swallow”

...what? When that shit is hard to swallow, then... what? Is this supposed to be a meta joke; as this babbling drunkard tries to make some sense of his ramblings, only to fail to even complete their sentence?

 

“in the moment everybody de-liver-s.”

I know, mang, I know this one here is your pet line, this is your coup de grâce, this is where your jerking intensifies to the point of smokes billowing from inbetween your fingers and your chafing dick, this is where you pat yourself in the back for throwing in such passage of resplendent brilliance, smack in the middle, just enough climax before the denouement. But, you know what? Nope. Just... nope.

 

“Bedded hair, they lycan my appearance to a wolf”

I actually like this one line, not enough to love, but I like it, it just fits, if barely. But, you know, it’s like a consolation prize, that lonely W after series of unnecessary Ls.

 

It’s like a rushed piece to be included into  your List of Concepts, which, as far as I’m concerned, is waaaaay superior than this dogshit of a poem. I wonder, have you caught a serious case of Terminal Cough lately?

 

@GintaMan

 

Well, well, well. If it ain’t Mr. Nice Guy™. Are you sure you know a thing or two (or at least just one thing) about Darkness and all that scawwie stuff? You think just because we’re fellow Asians, and we shared RP together, and we swapped sob stories in SOT together and held hand and sang fucking Kumbaya that I’ll go easy on you? Well, I could, but, well, where’s the fun in that, then? Well, shall we dance? Well?

 

“remembering a shelled person's visit”

Okay, so, was this person “shelled” as in “gunned”? Or “shelled” as in “sporting that turtle-like back not unlike Mutenroshi and/or Koopa Troopa”? Which one is it?

 

“and an infinite horizon filled with color.”

Pass me da joint, breeeeeeh.

 

“in this half-dark world, it was enough”

See, here’s the problem with us Asians, we seek harmony too eagerly, we concede too easily, we bend over to fate and others’s dongs/strapons so readily, and you’re not even exempt from such stereotype—reinforcing it, even. But, sure, go easy on the dying light, we’re all programmed like that, anyway.

 

"I should have seen more light

I should have seen more sky."

Oh, boo to the hoo.

 

“Half-darkness eradicated,

and his long night began.”

So, he’s dead, right? Where’s the conflict? Was he sitting on it? Oh, wait, that’s right, we strive for harmony. Yield yourself to the Grand Fate, and just wait it out until long night draws you in.

 

Ginta-chan, I’ll wipe your tears (and arse) ever so brotherly now, but instead of attempting dangerous pursuits taken by wordsmiths, you’d better go back to counseling others of the importance of promoting harmony, and accepting one’s fate. Especially accepting one’s fate.

 

Or just go back to your wrestling and meditating thing, my dude.  They are safer options than this. Big time.

 

.

.

.

 

Of course, instead of providing substantial comebacks in form of yet another piece of poetry, you all would resort to impotent REEEEEEE and accuse me of envy, trolling, or, gods forbid, hypocritically tryhard commenting myself.

 

And of course you’ll al like this post of mine because you’re so eager on saving face and/or too deep in groupthink and/or your behind instead of criticizing my own poem—well, can’t fault you on that one. That perfect 5-7-5 haiku is just sublime. Nuff said.

 

And y’all are dubbed Top Newcomers? More like, Top Newbummers, amirite?


  • GintaMan likes this

Spoiler Music by Gazillions

 

 

another story for another day

 


#246 Grimmjagger

Grimmjagger

    Warrior

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,386 posts
  • LocationCaNdY fAcToRy

Posted 01 March 2018 - 10:13 AM

Those three likes on your respective poems? That’s A+ for trying, but straight F for executing them like total hacks. (That one like for my poem, however, is self-explanatory.)
 
@Grimmjagger
 
“The Pit”, eh? Hopefully it’s snake’s at best, and arm’s, at worst.
It’s totally A-ok to write grimmdark, emo stuff, as long as you do it with finesse--like you did in your own writing thread. But this?
 
“I wake up everynight...”
 “For the sake of your readers, please proofread your poem and make sure it does not contain any unwanted mistakes.” Whoops.
 
“..this void of that you left is this pain.”
So, does “this pain” equal “this void”? What is “that”? “That...” what? Is it edible?
 
“I suffer alone in my own loneliness.”
Wow, who would’ve thought you’d suffer alone in your own loneliness? It’s a bit too much of a redundant excess, no?
 
“Tomorrow, I will be tore from my core.”
For the sake of your readers, please proofread your poem and make sure it does not contain any unwanted mistakes.” Double whoops. (hint: it’s “torn”)
 
“Leave me in this terror.”
It’s pronounced “tehr-roar” now? Oh, no? Then congratulations on breaking the flow of your edgy poem.
 
Hope you won’t get a paper cut from it— those wounds? I wish they will heal, man. That OMF Award hosting thing? Cooler story, bro.
 
@Red Opus
 
“Liquid Bronze” is it? Not even close to Liquid Copper, tbh.
 
I mean, bruh, @Sloan would roll in his digital coffin upon reading the tryhard grave mistake that is your poem.
 
Let’s get it on.
 
“At first it was dark-en hair”
What’s a “dark-en hair”, pray tell? Does it have anything to do with Drakengard? L’arc~en~ciel? Pubes? Was it petrified, too?
 
“Sometime, even eye cry”
For the sake of your readers, please proofread your poem and make sure it does not contain any unwanted mistakes.”
 
“Fuck a ship, here's the blueprint”
Yikes, sounds a tad uncomfortable. Also, why “blueprint”? Bottled ships have blueprints now?
 
“when liquid courage is hard to swallow”
...what? When that shit is hard to swallow, then... what? Is this supposed to be a meta joke; as this babbling drunkard tries to make some sense of his ramblings, only to fail to even complete their sentence?
 
“in the moment everybody de-liver-s.”
I know, mang, I know this one here is your pet line, this is your coup de grâce, this is where your jerking intensifies to the point of smokes billowing from inbetween your fingers and your chafing dick, this is where you pat yourself in the back for throwing in such passage of resplendent brilliance, smack in the middle, just enough climax before the denouement. But, you know what? Nope. Just... nope.
 
“Bedded hair, they lycan my appearance to a wolf”
I actually like this one line, not enough to love, but I like it, it just fits, if barely. But, you know, it’s like a consolation prize, that lonely W after series of unnecessary Ls.
 
It’s like a rushed piece to be included into  your List of Concepts, which, as far as I’m concerned, is waaaaay superior than this dogshit of a poem. I wonder, have you caught a serious case of Terminal Cough lately?
 
@GintaMan
 
Well, well, well. If it ain’t Mr. Nice Guy™. Are you sure you know a thing or two (or at least just one thing) about Darkness and all that scawwie stuff? You think just because we’re fellow Asians, and we shared RP together, and we swapped sob stories in SOT together and held hand and sang fucking Kumbaya that I’ll go easy on you? Well, I could, but, well, where’s the fun in that, then? Well, shall we dance? Well?
 
“remembering a shelled person's visit”
Okay, so, was this person “shelled” as in “gunned”? Or “shelled” as in “sporting that turtle-like back not unlike Mutenroshi and/or Koopa Troopa”? Which one is it?
 
“and an infinite horizon filled with color.”
Pass me da joint, breeeeeeh.
 
“in this half-dark world, it was enough”
See, here’s the problem with us Asians, we seek harmony too eagerly, we concede too easily, we bend over to fate and others’s dongs/strapons so readily, and you’re not even exempt from such stereotype—reinforcing it, even. But, sure, go easy on the dying light, we’re all programmed like that, anyway.
 
"I should have seen more light
I should have seen more sky."
Oh, boo to the hoo.
 
“Half-darkness eradicated,
and his long night began.”
So, he’s dead, right? Where’s the conflict? Was he sitting on it? Oh, wait, that’s right, we strive for harmony. Yield yourself to the Grand Fate, and just wait it out until long night draws you in.
 
Ginta-chan, I’ll wipe your tears (and arse) ever so brotherly now, but instead of attempting dangerous pursuits taken by wordsmiths, you’d better go back to counseling others of the importance of promoting harmony, and accepting one’s fate. Especially accepting one’s fate.
 
Or just go back to your wrestling and meditating thing, my dude.  They are safer options than this. Big time.
 
.
.
.
 
Of course, instead of providing substantial comebacks in form of yet another piece of poetry, you all would resort to impotent REEEEEEE and accuse me of envy, trolling, or, gods forbid, hypocritically tryhard commenting myself.
 
And of course you’ll al like this post of mine because you’re so eager on saving face and/or too deep in groupthink and/or your behind instead of criticizing my own poem—well, can’t fault you on that one. That perfect 5-7-5 haiku is just sublime. Nuff said.
 
And y’all are dubbed Top Newcomers? More like, Top Newbummers, amirite?


Meh, I'm not going to get mad, instead I appreciate the honesty. We all want to improve so thats fine by me.
e7734c025aa8c51fa9a905c5a1dc0ed2.png

BIG THINGS ARE COMING TO OMF!

#247 Red Opus

Red Opus

    Ghost

  • Blessed by Uglypuff
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,266 posts

User's Awards

5    3   

Posted 01 March 2018 - 11:31 AM

Sigh....there are no proof reading errors in the poem if you wanted me to explain it.....

Each line relates to the last or the one after it, read out loud you’ll understand *facepalm*

#248 YoWid

YoWid

    N00b

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,716 posts
  • LocationUnknown Regions

User's Awards

     

Posted 01 March 2018 - 11:47 AM

Sigh....there are no proof reading errors in the poem if you wanted me to explain it.....
Each line relates to the last or the one after it, read out loud you’ll understand *facepalm*


I'm full aware that your poem mainly consists of puns.

It's the inconsistencies and discrepancies I found in it that I mentioned in details on that post.

Your poem's flow is not bad, it's the amateurish quality, that rushed and makeshift feels of it that disturbed me.

Your poems and stories in your List of Concepts are much better-paced, your puns in this one are mediocre at best.

You could do better than this... or couldn't you?
 
And, yes, do explain where I went wrong, if you will (or can).

Spoiler Music by Gazillions

 

 

another story for another day

 


#249 Red Opus

Red Opus

    Ghost

  • Blessed by Uglypuff
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,266 posts

User's Awards

5    3   

Posted 01 March 2018 - 02:54 PM

@YoWid *shrugs* opinions I suppose

#250 GintaMan

GintaMan

    Rock Star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,192 posts
  • LocationSniper Island

Posted 02 March 2018 - 09:44 AM

Thanks for the feedback @YoWid. I do admit, I was kinda lazy when I sent that one in, wrote it under 15 minutes or so, because I just wanted the contest to go through and move on to the next theme. Haha! Will do better next time around.


"To have a dream is to struggle with reality."

 

Have a taste of my pIMP Slap!

 

tiM4Zrr.gif

 

"The Old Man of the North"

 

http://38.media.tumb...EcNV1r1vglf.gif

 

Chairman Emeritus, OMF Butt Stuff Appreciation Association

Almighty Bishop of the Church of Escanor, Gawd of the Sun


#251 Grimmjagger

Grimmjagger

    Warrior

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,386 posts
  • LocationCaNdY fAcToRy

Posted 14 March 2018 - 11:50 AM

@YoWid @casscat @GintaMan @Red Opus

Round two has started.
  • casscat and YoWid like this
e7734c025aa8c51fa9a905c5a1dc0ed2.png

BIG THINGS ARE COMING TO OMF!

#252 YoWid

YoWid

    N00b

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,716 posts
  • LocationUnknown Regions

User's Awards

     

Posted 20 April 2018 - 08:54 AM

@Grimmjagger @Red Opus @GintaMan

 

First of all, I just wanna say I'm really sorry, my previous comments on your poems were unwarranted, uncalled-for, and obviously, highly subjective. I lashed out due to work and life stress, and, I gotta admit, I envied how the three of you could dish out such quality poems, and I felt kinda left out and lost my touch. I pulled all those words outta my ass just to make myself feel better at the expense of you, and that's sofaking lame.

 

Keep on writin'--y'all got dat chops, just do the cookin', yo.

 

@evilcheeser @casscat

 

Those were some sick poems ya got for the second round,  I wish I could say more, but I'm not really qualified (yet) to judge any of your works objectively, so, just, kudos.


Spoiler Music by Gazillions

 

 

another story for another day

 


#253 evilcheeser

evilcheeser

    Werehouse

  • Moderators
  • 815 posts
  • LocationGanymede

Posted 24 April 2018 - 01:56 AM

@Grimmjagger @Red Opus @GintaMan
 
First of all, I just wanna say I'm really sorry, my previous comments on your poems were unwarranted, uncalled-for, and obviously, highly subjective. I lashed out due to work and life stress, and, I gotta admit, I envied how the three of you could dish out such quality poems, and I felt kinda left out and lost my touch. I pulled all those words outta my ass just to make myself feel better at the expense of you, and that's sofaking lame.
 
Keep on writin'--y'all got dat chops, just do the cookin', yo.
 
@evilcheeser @casscat
 
Those were some sick poems ya got for the second round,  I wish I could say more, but I'm not really qualified (yet) to judge any of your works objectively, so, just, kudos.

I'm glad you found the headspace to calm down and reflect (this is way harder than people give it credit for). I think we all need to be pushed once in a while, but it's still better to ask permission first for this kind of harsh feedback.
And also, don't feel at all bad for the subjective part of feedback. Sometimes things can resonate in unexpected ways, and even if it doesn't change how the piece is written, it can be good for new authors to hear how it came across to this individual, especially when it's unexpected or unintended.
 
Remember that the greatest barrier to almost any writer is committing yourself to the page. We have all been in a position where it feels safer to write nothing, because 'nothing' can't be crap. Honestly, I would totally write something about all the emotions you have going on there - I think that that sort of topic makes for some of the best works. Things you get that passionate about matter to you, and the matter for a reason. Dig into it, yea? /my 5c.

@evilcheeser

Spoiler

Ah.. see, that's good. 'cause yeah, all of that, but I wasn't in the headspace of analyzing this one when I wrote it, thinking about these details. This one was pretty much just written emotionally. Iunno, sometimes I think I write much better when I don't think so much, and just do it.

<3 I'm so glad you liked the format. It wasn't too cheesy? it's been done 800 billion times and all but I can't resist the grammar stuff. it gave me such a weird direction for this one, and I freakin loved it for that. Also I kept pretending like I was being really subtle when I know full well that the only "subtle" part was that some people won't be looking for it and therefore won't notice it.

and no, actually. I do have a soft spot for everywhen as a word, but more importantly, I thought it beautifully summarized what I was feeling with the theme throughout this one. It's been a very long time now that I've felt like I'm 2, 3, maybe even 4 ages all at once. Pretty common for young adults, yes, but in some ways it's only getting more pronounced as time goes on, and I find my way for certain things. I'm not quite able to live fully functionally, and I'm slowly becoming okay with that, but it means that certain things end up getting left behind. Like, saying it now, I understand so much more about what went into this piece, too.  nyaaaahhhhggg~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<3


  • YoWid likes this

I was wrong about Uncle Wallace...


#254 mantisstalker

mantisstalker

    Exorcist

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,124 posts
  • LocationDessert Bluffs

User's Awards

2   

Posted 01 May 2018 - 12:08 AM

tumblr_nigj1dtKOt1r70le6o1_500.jpg

 

I'm back! For a post at least. I came to look at the games forum for my social media volunteer job thing but its nice to see this place is still going. A little sad to see the contest is struggling for number again, but I think I'm mostly disappointed Oben isn't hosting it anymore. How am I meant to enjoy poems without my grumpy German around? 


  • evilcheeser likes this




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users