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#1 GloomGun

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Posted 01 October 2016 - 06:49 PM

I have taken the time to write a lengthy anime series, written out in a novel type format. It is raw, and not edited yet. I am looking for manga fans of hardcore action, dark themes, and violence, to read it and give feedback on the plot, and characters. Please let me know if you are interested in reading it and giving me feedback.

 

This is a raw version: please note* this is a very violent, dark, and mature story. 

 

http://www.filehosting.org/file/details/605911/GloomGun.docx

 

or 

 

https://docs.google....dit?usp=sharing


Edited by GloomGun, 04 October 2016 - 06:38 AM.


#2 azer_moli

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Posted 02 October 2016 - 07:07 AM

Sorry if I move your thread, but we have a place for original manga, which is not in the animanga section. 


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#3 GloomGun

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Posted 02 October 2016 - 10:55 PM

Oh sorry about posting it in the wrong place. Thanks for moving it.



#4 Baka-Dynasty

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Posted 03 October 2016 - 12:27 PM

Heh should have just posted your story here instead of using a link. Which btw I can't even open on my cell phone
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#5 GloomGun

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Posted 04 October 2016 - 01:55 AM

Heh should have just posted your story here instead of using a link. Which btw I can't even open on my cell phone

Haha I wish ^^

Every time I try to post it the site denies it. It's a bit long xD >.>

 

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#6 diezdragon

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Posted 04 October 2016 - 05:58 AM

You could always make a google doc


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#7 GloomGun

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Posted 04 October 2016 - 06:39 AM

Great idea, thanks!

 

https://docs.google....dit?usp=sharing


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#8 diezdragon

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Posted 04 October 2016 - 09:02 AM

So I've skimmed through around 17 pages now (forgive me for this, but I've studied for several hours straight now so my eyes have started hurting. I just thought I'd give it a look after all the trouble you went through), and I must say I'm impressed. First of all, you clearly have the motivation and enthusiasm to write all of that. I obviously haven't read the latter pages, but I'd also guess you have enough inspiration to keep going as well. And all of that is indispensable for a creator. 

 

As for the work itself, I think you have a good knack for creating good atmospheres and utilizing characters and their interactions to aid you while doing so. While as a novel the work is obviously slightly lacking at times (mainly when it comes to general reading flow), I do find myself very interested and even painting graphic depictions in my head as I'm reading. And of course, you said you intend for this to be an anime series anyway, so that's not really a big problem. Another example would be that some specific character interactions might be a bit too basic or even raw to use in a novel, but imagining it in an episodic anime format where many conversations have to kept short and concise I think it works out fine.

 

As for story elements such as the general plot, consistency or twists, I obviously can't say much yet as I can not make much more than guesses so far. I will say however that I am curious as to what happens next, which is important for the beginning of a story, and something I think in this case mainly stems from the gradual world-building and reveals brought forth as the story unravels further.

 

Now, the world in itself is not that unique (yet). Post-apocalyptic settings with humanity having more or less degenerated into a society of crime and horrors have been used many times before (which you likely already know), but don't let this discourage you. When it comes to stories, there are obviously high-concept and low-concept ones, and depending on the writing, either can obviously be done both fantastically well or badly. Although, I probably haven't really read enough to make this judgement even.. Either way, just keep the plot interesting and the tension high and it should all work out well ^^

 

These were just some of my first impressions after reading through the first few pages really fast, so it may not be good criticism but I hope that my opinions will help you out somehow. I'll probably continue reading it when I have the time if you want more criticism :P


 

Oh yeah, and I should add there were a few names that I think were supposed to be japanese that looked kinda awkward to me.. I think the main eyecatcher was Kinata Kitohushi, since hu doesn't really exist as a sound in japanese (or well, it does, but it's normally rendered as fu, and either way I can't really figure out how you would write either of his names in kanji xD)


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#9 Grimmjagger

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Posted 04 October 2016 - 01:24 PM

Diez is actually a really good "criticizer", I'll look into your effort as well as soon as I read it.


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#10 GloomGun

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Posted 09 October 2016 - 12:30 AM

So I've skimmed through around 17 pages now (forgive me for this, but I've studied for several hours straight now so my eyes have started hurting. I just thought I'd give it a look after all the trouble you went through), and I must say I'm impressed. First of all, you clearly have the motivation and enthusiasm to write all of that. I obviously haven't read the latter pages, but I'd also guess you have enough inspiration to keep going as well. And all of that is indispensable for a creator. 

 

As for the work itself, I think you have a good knack for creating good atmospheres and utilizing characters and their interactions to aid you while doing so. While as a novel the work is obviously slightly lacking at times (mainly when it comes to general reading flow), I do find myself very interested and even painting graphic depictions in my head as I'm reading. And of course, you said you intend for this to be an anime series anyway, so that's not really a big problem. Another example would be that some specific character interactions might be a bit too basic or even raw to use in a novel, but imagining it in an episodic anime format where many conversations have to kept short and concise I think it works out fine.

 

As for story elements such as the general plot, consistency or twists, I obviously can't say much yet as I can not make much more than guesses so far. I will say however that I am curious as to what happens next, which is important for the beginning of a story, and something I think in this case mainly stems from the gradual world-building and reveals brought forth as the story unravels further.

 

Now, the world in itself is not that unique (yet). Post-apocalyptic settings with humanity having more or less degenerated into a society of crime and horrors have been used many times before (which you likely already know), but don't let this discourage you. When it comes to stories, there are obviously high-concept and low-concept ones, and depending on the writing, either can obviously be done both fantastically well or badly. Although, I probably haven't really read enough to make this judgement even.. Either way, just keep the plot interesting and the tension high and it should all work out well ^^

 

These were just some of my first impressions after reading through the first few pages really fast, so it may not be good criticism but I hope that my opinions will help you out somehow. I'll probably continue reading it when I have the time if you want more criticism :P


 

Oh yeah, and I should add there were a few names that I think were supposed to be japanese that looked kinda awkward to me.. I think the main eyecatcher was Kinata Kitohushi, since hu doesn't really exist as a sound in japanese (or well, it does, but it's normally rendered as fu, and either way I can't really figure out how you would write either of his names in kanji xD)

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my story! I agree with all of your points. I am going to include some more character dialogue when I do heavy editing for season 1, and might even throw in a few other character stories, but I want to keep readers wondering about all the different people in the story. I will work on Kinata's name, thank you for the heads up! I should have looked into the name more xD

I am very excited to hear more from you, and I hope the story keeps you wondering. Thank you again.


 

Diez is actually a really good "criticizer", I'll look into your effort as well as soon as I read it.

Thank you, I am excited to get your opinion as well!






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